I would like to say smart things, but today words are hard to come by. Writing does not always come easy, probably because I am too concerned about the quality of my output. It’s a problem, not only with writing, but with anything I do and care about. These days I am less about making excuses and complaints and more about getting things done, but the inner block is still present sometimes. I don’t really believe in writer’s block or any type of creative block for that matter. For me resistance always seems to be a product of my own self doubt and inner fears. When anxiety takes over it is hard to just keep doing my thing. During those times I have a tendency to look for easy distractions and stupid busy work. You can easily tell too – just take a look at my hard drive. The amount of chaos in my music collection is inversely proportional to my engagement in procrastination. And I am completely aware of it, too. Tagging my mp3 files is the worst experience for me, because I know exactly why I’m doing it and that I should really be doing something else.
Then there is this bad habit of getting ready. Doing research. Finding the right pen. Or right application. Or motivation. If I can just get really, really prepared I will get so much done. Lie, lie, lie. I could spend a lifetime getting ready for the perfect creative session and never get anything done during the process. I don’t think I ever felt ready to do something new and amazing. It just doesn’t happen. Embracing new horizons always involves anxiety and requires the ability to deal with ambiguous and unknown stuff.
Another part of the problem is that I often get attached to fictitious outcomes and the urge to pre-design the path to attain my goals. It is part of the old problem: You want to get from A to B, but where is A and where is B and how do you get from one point to another? To put it in other words, where am I, where do I need to go and how the hell do I get there? It is a three folded problem leaving you with a cognitive dissonance that can send your head spinning. My first mistake then is to try to solve the three problems all at once. I first create a goal, then make up a structure that ought to get me there fast. Well in my head this works just fine, but in reality it doesn’t. I have accepted that I cannot stop myself from planning head. Humans are planning machines, we are just wired that way. What I did learn however is to not get too attached to that story that I have created in my head. Because I know, or I should know ahead of time that the story in my head is just that: A story.
There is of course no cookie cutter recipe that will get you out of this state of misery. I am beginning to understand that this isn’t even desirable in many cases. Sometimes I want to be afraid. Sometimes I need to do things the wrong way, ignore all good advice and common sense and just start something. I then come crushing down only to do it all over again. But eventually I begin to get smarter. Or do I?
We’ll see about that. Let’s have some art now…